The Lies of Revelation

To say that I have not been well lately would be something of an understatement. It is something of a long story, but I will endeavor to tell it here, for there is really nothing else I can do. On April 13, 2009, I had a revelation. As I sat in front of this very computer, in broad daylight, I was overwhelmed with an instantaneous burst of blissful light--of illuminating clarity. I understood, God damn it. I exclaimed to myself, "The meaning is in the emotion." That was the answer to my previous question of how can you live a meaningful life when you believe that life is meaningless? Through experience. Inject passion into everything. Feel everything, and then you will be alive. You will know meaning. It was the single most liberating thought I have ever had in my life. I feared for the rest of that day, then week, that that wonderful feeling would go away--that I would lose it. Oddly enough, I did not. I kept it for three weeks.

I lost it on May 8, for a number of reasons that I cannot explain. Simply, I realized that I could not live like that, without control. As an INTJ, I need control. I need logic. I need reason. I need to suppress my Goddamn emotions and live as a Vulcan. I cannot allow myself to find meaning through emotion because I cannot function as an emotional being. I realized this on May 8, and since then, I have tried to resume my life as a thoroughly left-brained individual.

I have learned a good deal about myself. I have realized that my writing is the only expression of my right brain, and that it is perhaps the healthiest thing I do. I have realized that I don't know how to write anymore, though, because I am too Goddamn afraid of that side of my brain. I have realized that I suppress my emotions because they run so deeply--deeper than I think anyone can know. I have realized exactly how stuck I am in my utopian image of how the world should be--and how much this image has ruined me for life and life for me.

I have realized that I must have deep-seated masochistic tendencies, for I most certainly know the truth. I know that I would be much happier if I could just accept that the meaning is in fact in the emotion. If I could live that freely, as I did in those few weeks, I would be a much happier person. However, I cannot. I have seen that I cannot. I have seen myself become what I cannot be. I will not, nay cannot allow it. So what will I do? Shackle myself within my own mind. Force myself to stay there. Punish myself for whatever tears I cry. Learn to live as I know I should, no matter the consequences. Learn to live the only way I can, and be damn miserable. Live long... and prosper?